


Letting Go

by safedescent



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety, Emotional Baggage, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Malec, Sad, Slow Burn, but caring malec, but gets better, lots of issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2019-11-26
Packaged: 2020-09-01 05:17:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20252779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/safedescent/pseuds/safedescent
Summary: Alec is on the verge of breaking. Magnus is on the verge of becoming numb. Neither are necessarily in a place to be in a relationship, but fate has a way of pushing people together and even their shitty attitudes can’t stop them from forming a friendship (maybe more?)OrA college AU where Malec’s mental health issues that got swept under the rug in the TV show are addressed and worked through.





	1. Alexander Gideon Lightwood

**Author's Note:**

> I was really mad about how the show brought up all these mental health issues and then brushed them off so I made this AU to go into those topics more. I already have like 20 chapters planned for this. But i'll see how people respond to it. It will be kind of long (and getting ready for a slow burn) because I don't want to rush anything because that's not how real life works. ;D  
also sorry for any mistakes

Life can be so unfair that it's often wise to avoid thinking about it. Contemplating about how some people have it easier can drive you mad with resentment and thinking about how some people have it worse never makes you feel better, just invalidates you in ways that turns you into a pile of guilt and self-loathing. Not that this stops Alec from doing it. Constantly. 

Neither method is healthy, or productive for that matter, but to ignore that outside perspective puts you at risk of falling prey to self-indulgence and ultimately, getting lost in your own misery. This is the catch-22 that Alec finds himself in. As a chronic over thinker, it's an internal battle that he has been fighting for what seems like forever, for almost a decade, since he started to realize at the age of 11 that he wasn’t going to live up to his parents’ expectations or the role they had planned for him. When he realized that he was going to spend a majority of his time packing away his sexuality and who he was deep within himself, building preferred exteriors that would allow him to live day to day without being a disappointment.

Alec tries his best not to wallow in his emotions. And, at least on the surface, he’s mostly successful. When he works an 8-hour shift at his food service job, he knows how to keep his face relaxed. He’s learned over the years that he can be a master of compartmentalization. Yeah, there are times when he’s doing food prep and ends up staring off into space for half a minute because he suddenly gets overwhelmed with how much of a mess his life is, but to anyone that notices, he always manages to brush it off with a laugh about how tired he is. A quick “I’m totally gonna fail this one class I’m taking this semester” is all it takes to get whichever coworker caught his dissonance to brush past it and start moving down a different, much safer path that doesn’t involve all the skeletons that Alec keeps locked away in his closet—honestly he probably has multiple closets of skeletons at this point. And of course there's the closet he himself is in. . .But whatever, everyone has shit right?

Alec tells himself that every day. He's always going to have problems in his life and he tries to tell himself that he just needs to look at things factually, logically. Take one activity at a time. He can make a path for himself. And all he has to do is follow it, one step at a time, and he’ll be fine. But as the days go on and on and Alec gets a year older and then another year, after a while, Alec has to wonder how long he’s going to last.

Today's a normal day, meaning a shitty day for Alec, he’s sitting in a McDonald’s eating a large fries because he's "treating himself". Unfortunately, his comfort food doesn't seem to be doing its job. Alec is mid-way to stuffing his mouth with another handful of fries when he feels a pull in the back of his throat. It starts there, then turns to knots in his stomach and then all the sudden his eyes are prickling with tears that rarely fall but always seem to be on the verge of it. His face feels hot, chest pulling tight, as he struggles to swallow down the feeling. He’s sure his face is red and splotchy now, and it just makes the whole thing worse. Suddenly, without any warning—just because he brain decided this moment was a good time to fuck with him—Alec feels beyond hopeless.

Something is going to have to change. He feels like he has no life ahead of him. He sets his hand back down and tries to take some deeper breaths to stop his mind from reeling. It’s barely even a coherent string of thoughts but they’re all swirling there. That he’s a disappointment. That his mother would hate him if she knew who he really was. That he's going to lose the closeness of his family. That he would be a burden if he tried to tell anyone that he wasn’t okay. He always had to be okay. For his family, he was always the okay one. Alec likes being the okay one. He wants to help his siblings when _they’re_ not okay. He wants to talk Izzy back from her insecurities, when her bravado occasionally cracks. To let her rant about how dumb societies’ standards are and reaffirm for her how beautiful and strong she is no matter what. He wants to be there to help Jace when his traumatic childhood catches up to him and he feels like he’s not worth love. Alec wants to be there to help Max learn that being a boy doesn’t come with a set of restrictions. He wants to be there to help him grow up, to help give him advice when he starts to hit puberty and things start getting difficult.

And Alec wants to be there for his mom too. When she’s trying her best to put on a tough face but Alec can see the weak points, put there by the affair his father had and the weight that she carries on her shoulder’s as she tries to pretend that such a jarring experience doesn’t make her feel betrayed and ashamed.

Everyone has problems. Alec sees it everywhere. And his thinks most days, that if he focuses on helping others through these things that he’ll be able to look past his own.

But in the back of his mind, he’s always afraid that there’s a breaking point. That one day nothing will be enough and he’ll just snap.

Alec wishes sometimes that he didn’t have so many ties, he loves his family to death and would do anything for them, but sometimes he thinks about being free. About no one knowing anything about him and being able to start over from scratch. He wants to be open enough to joke about being a _chaotic gay_, and he wants to flirt with boys and be appallingly bad at it like he knows he would be. He wants to do stupid shit that everyone else seems to do. Hell, it’d be an accomplishment to even be able to think about boys without feeling that nagging in the back of his head, pulling and reminding him that he needs to check himself and that this can’t be apart of his life on the outside.

Alec pulls out his headphones, and connects them to his phone, anxiously pulling up his music and scrolling, trying to think of something to listen to to drown out his spiraling thoughts. Everything makes Alec feels sick. All his thoughts—it seems like no topic is safe. He’s always used listening to music as an outlet. Letting music fill his head helps get out all the things he feels but never says. But as he looks across all his playlists, they all just seem wrong. Lately, he’s noticed even his safe spaces are triggers. He used to listen to Troye Sivan and Sam Smith and feel a sense of contentment from his solidarity with them. But now, seeing those songs make his heart sink and his teeth clench. They make him feel lower than before. And _that_, having your safety blankets feel overused and worn out, makes Alec choke on his breath and feel more helpless than ever because if he doesn’t have that then what can he use to ground himself.

He ends up pulling up playlist of today's hits and picking a random song just because he needs something to jolt him out of this mindset. He takes a couple of conscious breaths and nods his head to the beat a little, not _really_ feeling it but trying. Rolling his neck out, he goes back to eating. He can already feel the build up starting to ebb away. Today doesn't have to be the day. He can push it aside for now. Right now he just needs to enjoy his fries. He came here and spent money he shouldn’t have and he’s going to enjoy it, even if he has to force himself to. Besides, he’s spent too many years bottling things up to _really_ get emotional in a McDonalds. He has more control than _that._ _I'm not that much of a mess_, he thinks, and even though he's almost back to a stable place now, the back of his mind finishes the thought with _at least, not yet_.


	2. Magnus Bane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Intro to Magnus' mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So basically the first two chapters are supposed to be introductions to both Alec and Magnus. They're supposed to give an idea of where they are mentally, and also kind of show an example of their current coping mechanisms for when they get upset or start to get into a bad place mentally. The plot will start soon and there will be actual DIALOGUE (yay) starting next chapter. Hopefully these weren't too hard to read through, but I did feel like they were necessary. If you have any thoughts about them, let me know :)
> 
> (I apologize for any typos)

Magnus has always felt like he’s not _one_ person. As odd as that sounds that’s the only way he can think to put it. He feels like a lot of different personalities all rolled into one. Everyone wants to limit people by labeling them with adjectives like _shy, friendly, arrogant, outgoing, _but are people really that straightforward? Can’t you be both shy and outgoing? It’s always so easy for Magnus to slip into different personas. When he’s with a crowd he can be the life of the party, feeding off the energy of others and sharing experiences with people. But sometimes, he’s cold, because all he wants to do is get rid of anyone that’s within fifty feet of him.

He doesn't get why life has to be so limiting and how so many people seem to fit into the lines that are drawn. Right now, he’s carefully applying eye shadow as he sits alone in his dorm room. It’s 3pm but he doesn’t have anything else for the rest of the day and he knows his roommate won’t be back until after 6 so what better time to mess around with his makeup and have existential thoughts? 

It's been pretty common recently for Magnus to reflect on how he would define himself. He really can't ever figure it out though. He's not objective enough for that. Take what he's doing now, for example, putting on bold makeup. In most people's eyes that's kind of a signature trait for him, but just like all of his traits, he enjoys the opposite; scrubbing his face of everything on it, and just being natural. Everywhere in his life, there’s inconsistencies. Sometimes he loves gossiping about people and sometimes he thinks it’s the stupidest, most trivial activity on the planet. Some days Magnus feels like a kind person and some days he’s motivated by a deep-seated bitterness in his heart. Some weeks he loves his classes and thinks he going to go become a professor and go to graduate school, but other weeks he preaches about the uselessness of academia and swears it's the biggest waste of his time. It’s tough to be a walking contradiction. The problem isn’t necessarily that Magnus can be so many different moods and styles, it’s that he’s never found someone that can be compatible with all of it. He’s spent years, melding himself to whoever he’s currently pursuing or dating. And because whatever traits his partner has, he’s always able to find in himself, he believes he’s still being true to who he dates them. He doesn’t realize that he’s being in-genuine, that he always ends up dismissing crucial parts of himself in favor of the ones his partner possesses. Camille, for example, was wild. And Magnus can be wild too. There’s something so satisfying about being spontaneous and living large and so he fostered that side of him, pushed away the other parts and truly believed that maybe that was who he was, that that was _all_ he was. After almost 2 years of suppressing other parts of himself (like the ones that crave romantic dinners and cuddling) Magnus finally realized that just because he had some traits in common with Camille didn’t mean that they were like-minded. Back then, Magnus took Camille’s uncaring nature to be a sign of being a free spirit and Magnus, at the time, got caught up in the romanticized contradiction of having no attachments to the world, but being attached to someone. There was something so desirable about the fact that Camille cared for him while not caring for anything or anyone else. Of course, he realized his place in her life was mostly born out of a desire for constant attention, but despite _knowing_ that, it’s still hard to let go. Because even as his friends pulled him back to reality from the whirlwind that was Camille, knowing he had the ability to win someone like Camille over made him feel worth something.

Now it makes him feel numb. Just one more thing that makes him feel lost, because every time one of his relationships end, they somehow always end up shifting the ground beneath his feet. He doesn’t know why all of his relationships have to end in some big revelation. A cynical part of his mind tells himself its because he’s trying to make excuses for the fact that they just didn’t love him. He tries not to be self-reflecting to the point of diagnosing his behavior and coping mechanisms, because that’ll just bring about more anxiousness and there’s already not enough room for all the emotions Magnus currently has residing in his head. Lately they’ve become more and more overwhelming. Even sitting here, Magnus has taken at least 5 pauses in blending his eyeshadow to stare off into space, drumming his fingers, trying to shake away the negative presence he feels in his mind, only being held back by a thin film. Yesterday he started crying while he was doing his laundry. _And no_, it wasn’t because he’s an entitled brat that has never operated a washing machine. . .though he’d let people think that if that’s what they assumed because he didn’t have a better explanation. The truth of, _I don’t know,_ isn’t exactly something you can say to someone when they ask what happened to make you cry. It’s not always specific thoughts, sometimes like now, it’s just a feeling. Like he’s not satisfied, not content. It feels like no matter what Magnus is doing, he’s wasting time. When he’s in class he just wants to leave and do something for himself, when he goes out, he mourns the time lost that could’ve been for rest, and when he rests he feels like he’s falling behind and never going to catch up. It’s a continuous feeling. He’s feeling it now. Even though he enjoys makeup, now that he’s doing it he feels like it’s a waste of time and he doesn’t know why he thought he should spend an hour on it when he’s not even planning on going anywhere. Magnus pauses again, putting down his brush and just staring at himself in the mirror. He turns his heads this way and that, trying to feel happy in the way that he thought doing his make up would. He makes a couple attempts at a smile to see how it complements the look, but he doesn’t want it anymore. He can feel the fuzz on his teeth from the syrupy coffee he had earlier and his face feels stiff. Magnus picks up his eyeliner because even if his mind is slipping to some other place, he does this often enough that it’s mechanic. Hunching forward, flipping his mirror to the magnified side, resting head on one hand and with the other drawing short strokes across his eyelids. He can feel the brush half-tickling, half-stinging his waterline, and he's almost done with the first eye when he just stops. He doesn’t really know why, he just doesn’t feel like finishing. Instead, he flips the mirror back over and stares at his face. It doesn’t feel like his face. Not in the cliché way like he’s dissatisfied with his looks, he literally feels like he somehow isn’t connected to his face. His mind feels so far away from his physical body. It feels like he doesn’t have good control of his limbs. It’s not even a weird feeling anymore because he’s felt like this before. He reaches his hand up again with the eyeliner pen and draws a line on his cheek. . .cause, _whatever._ He feels the tip of the liquid eyeliner against his cheek, the way the tip gives as it pulls against his skin, and he feels the slight pressure and wetness on his skin too. It doesn’t really do anything for him, but he does it a couple more times. It’s not really for any particular reason he just does it and then puts the pen back down and continues to stare at his face. He thinks about trying to get back into the mindset he started this with. He could try and make the lines into some kind of vines and do some really artsy look, or just do something abstract. But he just keeps staring at his face instead. He wonders if he's going to start crying, but the muscles it would require to do that feel far out of his control. Instead, Magnus walks over to his bed, pulls out his laptop and brings up his Netflix account. He sets it back on his desk next to where he was doing his makeup and starts up a random episode of New Girl. With the slightly annoying sound of Schmidt’s voice in the background, Magnus pulls out his makeup wipes and begins cleaning off his face.

When he’s finished, he’s already laughed twice at the show and is making his way back to his bed, ready to get under his covers and do nothing else for the whole day. He pulls the covers all the way up, because failed attempts at doing his makeup always make him want to hide afterwards. His face is slightly wet from the moisture in the make up wipes and it makes the air cold and refreshing on his skin. His eyes are a little red from rubbing the makeup off but it feels nice. After 4 episodes, when he sees the sun starting to set, he debates getting started on some homework. He opens a new tab and pulls up his class website but doesn’t even log on before he switches back to Netflix, and pulls out his stash of candy from under his bed. When his roommate comes back, he says a quick hello and they make small talk about classes and homework before his roommate moves to his desk and starts working diligently on some chemistry worksheet. Magnus fights the urge to feel bad about not doing any of his own work, but whatever peer pressure is there isn’t enough to get him to start anything for real. It is enough to get him to change positions so he’s sitting up in his bed, his back against the headboard, so if asked he can lie and say he’s looking over readings for class, when really, as he connects his headphones to his laptop, he knows he going to be watching TV for the rest of the night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter Malec will cross paths 
> 
> twitter: @malecmonday


	3. He's too beautiful anyway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec Pov- Malec meet for the first time

No matter how many internal battles Alec has playing out in his head, the day goes on regardless. In this case it goes on to see him running to his 9:30 am lab. He can feel the sweat already starting to build in the middle of his back, increased by the weight of his backpack. Alec wonders if it’s a character flaw that he’d rather arrive to class sweaty and on time than a few minutes late and composed. But he can’t change a lifetime of conditioning so he’ll just have to pretend it’s a good thing that he equates being late to the world ending.

It’s 9:29 by the time he’s reached the hallway of his lab section and he slows down trying to calm his breath and heart rate. It’s not unusual for college kids to be late to class but anything that draws attention, is something Alec would like to avoid. He thinks he’s managed to successfully do that today, but just as he’s walking into class, satisfied that he’s got himself back to looking mostly normal, he hears,

“You can’t come into the lab without a lab coat”

“oh, what?” Alec turns meeting the eyes of his TA who’s staring over at him apathetically, from his seat next to the computer at the front of the room.

“Do you have a lab coat?”

“Oh, uh yeah, sorry it’s just in my backpack. . .I um. . .” Alec forces himself to stop there. He’s always instinctively ready to start rambling, to explain away whatever situation someone is trying to call him out for because he’s terrified of someone thinking he blatantly disregards the rules. _But,_ he’s been told by his sister many times that it’s an annoying habit and he also doesn’t believe in making excuses, so he bites his tongue and fights his innate desire to make sure the TA knows that he _is aware_ of the lab rules and that _he does_ pay attention.

“Good. Take your seat. Assigned tables are on the board” He says and then promptly turns back to the computer to start setting up the presentation for the day.

Alec tries to find his name but he feels like he’s taking too long and the longer he stands at the front of the room the more he feels his peers’ attention and now all his hard work of calming himself down is gone. He knows his face is getting flushed and his heart has started beating hard again.

Finally, he sees his name at table 5, written as “Alex L.”. Sighing, he turns and starts making his way to the table, wondering if he’ll get the nerve to tell the TA he goes by _Alec_ or if he’ll just let him call him the wrong nickname all semester. 

As Alec sits down, he takes in who else is at the table. As much as he doesn’t believe fully in first-glance judgement, he needs to assess so he can mentally prepare himself for what the next two hours will bring. The girl immediately next to where he sits looks insanely put together, her blonde hair braided tightly. He can see from where it sits in front of her, that she has parts of her lab manual highlighted and that’s enough to make Alec know he has to prepare to feel dumb for the rest of class. _Seriously?_ He thinks as he settles into his seat and offers her a stiff closed-mouthed smile. She returns it with one of her own, equally as in-genuine as his was, but Alec thinks that’s fair enough. He doesn’t expect to be friends with his lab partners. He honestly has only made one friend in any of his classes since coming to college and he’s still not sure how he even managed that. It’s a true blessing he gets along with his siblings and their friends because otherwise he’d be well on his way to becoming a complete recluse. 

Alec’s attention is drawn back to the front of the room, by his TA and it’s not until the TA has finished giving instructions and started passing out group worksheets that Alec really registers the man on the other end of the table. He’s reaching out to grab the paper from the TA and then immediately he starts filling it out without even glancing at the other two. The blonde starts to lean over and make some kind of remark about what they have to do, but Alec just sits there for another second and lets them handle it. To be honest, he’s a little caught up in staring at the guy because _damn_ he’s beautiful.

Pretty much everyone in this entire class, is sitting, in their wrinkly lab coats, (that no doubt have been stuffed at the bottom of backpacks) looking generic and tired—like all college students do. Even Lydia, who looks clean and put-together has a fair amount of creases in her dull blue coat, but this guy. . . Alec guesses he actually_ ironed_ his lab coat. And he didn’t let the mandatory wardrobe choice affect his style either because Alec can see four different rings glistening on his fingers and an ear cuff to match the small studs in each of his ears. _Why is he literally sparkling, _Alec thinks watching the dark red in the man’s earring catch the light as he tilts his head down to read the paper. He lets himself have another couple of seconds to be mesmerized before he shakes himself out of it.

People _that _beautiful quickly pull out the defensive, withdrawn side of Alec. He can feel his self-consciousness putting up the cement walls to protect himself because, surely, someone as beautiful as _that_ would never be interested in him and if Alec is going to survive sitting next to him all of class he’s going to need a hard exterior of denial to pretend that he doesn’t want to stare at him for the _rest of his life_.

_Okay, _he thinks, _just focus on the lab. That’s the point of this class._ He leans forward to try and get involved but he can’t really see the worksheet well enough to read the questions. Instead, realizing that he doesn’t know the names of his lab partners, he cranes his neck back to the front of the board and tries to see the seating chart. _Lydia B. _is the blonde, he guesses, and the other name. . .the names are hand written in chalk, so Alec’s not a hundred percent sure but it looks like Magnus, and isn’t that an interesting name.

“Wait, so are we each getting. . .” Alec turns to look back at _Lydia_ as she starts to take over, she grabs the worksheet and without any consideration to Magnus, she starts reading things off. Alec keeps his gaze on the man, watching him, hand still outstretched and staring at the place where he used to be holding the paper. Alec has to hold back a chuckle, as he sees him tilt his head to the side and raise his eyebrows, not even trying to hide his look of insult. Obviously, Alec’s not the only one who isn’t really taking a liking to Lydia. Biting the inside of his lip and trying to get his normal apathetic mask in place, Alec looks down over at the worksheet and tries to figure out what they’re supposed be doing.

* * *

“Wait, isn’t it supposed to turn yellow?”

Alec looks up, at Lydia.

“Ummm.. yeah, well I think so, it says. . .” he stalls trying to find the real answer in his lab manual.

“It should turn yellow after the reaction is done, but it’ll take ten minutes to run and it’s only been like two so we should be fine.”

Alec looks over at Magnus and can’t stop himself from giving a small smile. Of course he would know. 

“Okay, Cool. . .That’s good, glad we didn’t _definitely_ mess up the experiment.” Alec says with half a laugh, and what he hopes is a light tone. He feels successful when Magnus returns his comment with a small chuckle.

“Yeah, that’s good, it would be a little sad if we messed up this experiment, I mean all we did was pipette different solutions."

Alec gives a small huff of a laugh and a nod in return. He doesn’t really know how to continue the conversation, so he goes back to looking at the lab worksheet, hoping to find something that will fill the rest of the time they have to wait for the reaction to run. He tries to focus of the list of steps, but it’s too many words and he keeps thinking about how good it felt to hear Magnus’ laugh. _Fuck,_ he doesn't even know Magnus he needs to stop. Every time Magnus smiles at him there's already a part of the back of his brain that is making up scenarios where Magnus is his boyfriend. The realistic, cynical part of his brain that sits in the front though, is shutting that all down and trying to convince him that Magnus probably has lots of flaws, and people who are that attractive are always self-centered and its not worth it anyway. . .He's trying to sell this narrative to himself, but it's honestly not even close to working. Even staring at his worksheet, Alec's thinking about how Magnus' smile is the sweetest thing he's ever seen. 

* * *

They’re experiment turns out fine, a faint, but present yellow in their final product, and though Alec can’t say it felt like a short class, it definitely wasn’t as bad as he was expecting. He did minimal work, mostly watching Magnus and Lydia, and though there’s a nagging in the back of his brain that’s telling him he needs to work harder so he can be more proactive in this class, he’s mostly content. They’re finishing about a half hour early, all they have left to do is clean up their work station.

“Well, congrats to us for getting through that,” Magnus smiles over at both of them as he shrugs off his lab coat to reveal a _fitted_ black short-sleeved button down with fine red detailing in designs Alec can’t quite make out without obviously staring. He already has to avert his gaze and take a moment to try and stop the blush he feels threatening to take over his face.

_Why do I always have to be like this?_ He thinks, before turning back to Magnus and giving him a half-smile,

“Yeah, and like, I’m so glad that we get to actually leave early, cause it’d be really dumb if we had to stay for the whole time. I heard some of the TA's make you stay the full time regardless of if you finish early.”

“oh yeah, thank God our TA literally doesn’t care about this class.” Magnus laughs as he finishes tucking his neatly folded lab coat into his side bag.

“That’s everything right?” He says looking over their clean and organized table and Alec takes his diverted attention as an opportunity to give another subtle, or maybe not so subtle, once-over of his full attire, now that it’s on display to be appreciated.

Alec manages a timid nod at the same time Lydia purposefully says “Yeah we’re all done” while picking up her things and stalking off to the door, already looking down at her phone.

“Alright, let’s go” Magnus says and moves to follow the same direction.

Alec follows with a slight pause, mildly confused, because he doesn’t know if that was an invitation to walk with Magnus. He doesn’t have another class after this, he’s just going back to his apartment, but he hadn’t planned on socializing, so even though he thinks Magnus is really hot, the idea of having to have a conversation with him—for who knows how long—is daunting… it’ll probably be awkward, because Alec always reads to much into situations and projects his discomfort _literally everywhere_.

He follows behind Magnus, still not really sure what to do. His habitual need to be alone wins the internal battle in his head, so as he steps outside the classroom behind Magnus, he steps to the side and bends down, pretending to be getting something out of his backpack. He does this for a little, readjusting his pencil case and when he looks up, he sees Magnus already turning the corner, headphones on, not even a glance back toward Alec as he goes.

Alec feels his face heat up again as he straightens and tries to dismiss any part of him that’ll admit he was hoping Magnus would be waiting for him. He knew he was overthinking it. As usual. _Obviously_, Magnus didn’t want to talk to him more. He just said that as a way of goodbye. 

Alec takes a deep breath and goes to dig out his own headphones from the front pocket of his backpack.

_It’s just as well_, he thinks, grumpily. He prefers to listen to his music while he walks anyway. It’s a much safer option than having to try to interact with new people. _That’s just exhausting anyway_. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah... so like i put in the tags it's going to be a sloooow burn. But they'll only interact more from here on out.. so there's that. 
> 
> @malecmonday on twitter :)


	4. Alex the frat guy?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a note in case it's not obvious, Magnus thinks Alec's name is Alex, because they didn't formally introduce themselves last chapter and that's what was written on the board.

Magnus remembers a time where he naturally felt energetic when he went about his day. It feels so distant now, so far removed from his present. His days now feel full of routine, of cracking jokes that his brain supplies habitually, of smiles and laughs that come as second nature, but that he doesn’t feel.

Walking to meet Cat and Raphael, it occurs to him that he used to feel excited about seeing his friends. He’s not dreading it now, but it just feels like another thing he has to do. Every day is filled with all these things he _has_ to do and it never ends. On one hand, Magnus is grateful for the activities that keep him from staying stagnant, but on the other it makes him feel like he can’t breathe. Like he’s never going to be caught up—time and moments will keep passing, and he’ll keep feeling like he’s not a part of it.

Realizing that this isn’t the kind of mindset he needs to be getting himself into when he’s going to be interacting with his friends in a moment, Magnus tries to find a different thread of thought to lose himself in. He settles on thinking about clothing. As trivial as it sounds, creating styles and outfits that feel representative of himself always helps him pull through a day. He’s been getting into challenging himself with trying to style _vests_ recently. He always dismissed them as being kind of dorky, but he saw an Instagram post with a model wearing one and it was a really modern take, but still kind of sophisticated, and it had inspired Magnus. Enough, that he’d bought a couple from a thrift store, and he’s been trying to decide how to wear them ever since. He wants to wear them with button downs, because t-shirts underneath will just scream 2000s and that is _not_ what he’s going for. But he doesn’t want to look overly formal. He can’t fix that by keeping the button down un-tucked though, because that’s definitely a boy-band signature no one needs to recreate, and so he decides it’s really going to rely on the pattern, coloring, and fabric of the shirt to pull the look together.

When he steps into the small, non-brand university café, Magnus is still absorbed in his thoughts of clothes, and matching eye shadow looks. He spots, Cat sitting at a table off to the side, by the window and moves to set his stuff down with her.

“Hey!” he greets her, swinging his bag down and moving to give her a side hug.

She smiles up at him and returns the hug, with the same calm presence she always carries.

“I’m just gonna go grab a coffee, did you wanna get any food?”

“Mm, I was thinking about getting a scone, but I don’t know, everything here is so expensive. . .”

“Right?! And the prices just went up too, I was here the other day and I saw that their regular coffee is almost three dollars! Like, what the hell, aren’t they making us broke enough with tuition they want us to starve too?”

“Maybe it’s a good time to try and get rid of that coffee addiction of yours,” Cat laughs and waves the water bottle she has sitting in front of her over at Magnus. “Water is _all_ you need, just stay hydrated, _it’ll solve all your problems!_”

“Oh yes, of course, how could I forget all I need is to drink 8 gallons of water a day _and my whole life will come together_” Magnus returns with fake enthusiasm, before heading back to the front of the café after promising to return in a minute. 

When Magnus returns to the table, it’s not only with his large coffee, but also with Raphael, who’s sporting a disinterested look and an insanely sweet iced coffee. 

“Hey Raphael, how’s it going?”

“Well, we’re still here” Raphael says in his usual monotone that makes it hard to tell if he’s talking about just being there at school, or if he means it in a more morbid way. Magnus decides to interpret it as the grumpy college student.

“Ughh, I mean, another semester, but at least there’s no exams yet. Gotta appreciate that while we can” Magnus, says with a laugh as he settles into his seat across from Cat.

“Oh hey, Magnus, I was gonna ask, aren’t you taking bio lab this quarter?” Cat asks pulling a Cliff bar from her bag and peeling it open.

“Yeah, I had my first lab yesterday”

“Oooo, how was it. I literally_ hated_ that class because of my lab partner.”

“Oh, well, it’s fine so far. I mean we didn’t pick partners, the TA just assigned them”

“Do they seem smart?” Cat asks and Raphael lets out a snort.

“I’m just _asking_ because I had to do almost all of the work for my group because my partner never wanted to do anything, and I don’t want the same thing to happen to Magnus” Cat replies, giving Raphael a look that he just returns with a smirk.

“Honestly, fingers crossed because I’ll probably yell at them if they don’t do their part. We can’t all be as patient as you are.” Magnus pauses before deciding to keep going.

“I mean, there’s two of them. One’s this blonde girl, definitely pre-med. I’m not trying to write her off without giving her a chance, buuut. . .” Magnus pauses to lean in and give his two friends a look he knows they’ll get.

“—She seems like an entitled white girl?” Raphael finishes. Magnus makes a face, but that was exactly where he was going with that. He can’t help it but call out what he sees.

“Well this school is filled with those unfortunately,” Cat says, trying to still stay on the nice side of things though Magnus can tell she agrees by the way she’s smiling.

“Yeah. The other one, is this guy, he kinda looks like an athlete maybe, he has, like, really dark messy hair, he’s probably like 6 ft 2, I don’t know. . .” He trails off when he sees Cat and Raphael exchange a look and then both turn back to stare at him.

“Are you already in love with him?” Raphael says, mouth quirked and eyebrow raised.

“What?” Magnus says, kind of taken aback at the jump his friends have made. Yeah, the guy was cute. . .okay, he was hot. . . and somehow also adorable, but so what? Magnus can appreciate someone’s good looks without falling head over heels.

“You just described his height Magnus,” Cat says giving him a knowing smile.

“Well I was just telling you about him.”

“No one asked about what he looked like, we were just talking about whether or not he’s smart” Raphael says while sipping his drink.

Magnus stumbles a little over his words. Despite how he plays it off, he doesn’t really enjoy being thought of as someone who falls in love easily. It feels like his friends don’t take him seriously. He _knows_ he doesn’t have the best history with relationships, but he really does put an effort into them, even if he still ends up failing at them.

“Well, yeah maybe he’s hot, but he definitely isn’t my type at all.” Magnus starts defending, before he’s even conscious of it.

“I mean, I’m like 90% sure he’s just a dumb frat guy. He definitely could fit into that category.” Magnus doesn’t know why he’s saying this. Honestly, he liked the guy, _Alex_, and he has nothing against him, he’s just feeling defensive and angry now, and he wants to prove that he hasn’t been thinking about him on and off for the last day.

“Also, he showed up late to class and just strolled in without his lab coat, so there’s that. And the fact that he looks as straight as you can get.” Magnus looks at his friends. He’s effectively blackened his lab partner’s name, but that still doesn’t even feel like enough. He feels so annoyed now. Like he’s amusement to them. Even if they don’t mean it that way, it’s like they don’t consider how their teasing makes him feel.

“Also, guys, can we stop pretending that I’m going to find someone here to date? I'm not looking anyway” He throws this out, maybe sounding a little more harsh than he intends.

Raphael sighs and leans back a little “Well, I won't argue with that.”

Cat looks over at him, her brows furrowed and a thoughtful look on her face. Magnus guesses she’s probably a little confused about the change in direction of this conversation, but trying to not upset him further. He wishes she wouldn’t. Sometimes he really appreciates her, but right now it just feels patronizing.

“Yeah, a break is good, it's not like you need to be in a relationship.” She says nodding a little to herself, as if considering all the ways it is true.

Magnus takes this as a final step to steer the conversation in a direction that feels more comfortable to him. He instead brings up the petitions that have been going on recently to give professors better job security at the university. Bashing a big institution is easy, and it doesn't make him feel vulnerable. He sits out the rest of their get together with dramatic statements and harsh comments that make him feel momentarily impassioned but that he knows won’t stay with him after the conversation is done.

Magnus leaves the café some time later, thoughts fluttering, briefly landing on Alex again. Leaving his friends, he can’t help but feel like he said all these things he didn’t mean. He really doesn’t know the guy, so he shouldn’t feel so guilty, but a part of him just wishes he could take back what he said, because he really doesn’t believe it. And it feels like he betrayed him. Magnus doesn’t want to be a mean person and he hates that he always seems to get a mean streak when taking defense. Walking into his next class he _tries_ to put it all out of his mind—Alex, his friends, his annoying habit of not being able to stop himself from talking. Unfortunately, his lecture has over 150 students, and the professor is not anywhere near close to being successful at keeping Magnus’ attention, so as the hour passes by, Magnus finds himself thinking about Alex again. . .about what he might really be like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!  
Let me know if you have any thoughts about this fic. I know it's moving slowly, I just don't want to sacrifice going into Magnus and Alec's mindsets, just because I want to get to Malec. I have a lot of more interesting chapters planned, but I really wanted to build a foundation for their characters that are less about their actions and more about their mindsets and what those mindsets lead to.
> 
> It's weird for me to write these notes cause I don't know if anyone reads them, but... yeah I'm open to commentary. I feel odd asking people to comment but I would like to know if people find this interesting or not >_<  
anyway, probably more Magnus-Alec interaction next chapter :)
> 
> twitter: @malecmonday


	5. Ch 5: Static

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec gets frustrated after a call from his mom and maybe ends up taking it out on Magnus a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy!

“I don’t understand why you’re being _so strange_ about this Alec.”

Alec bites his lip in an effort not to sigh loudly into the phone. He’s just gotten off from work. He’s tired and a little sweaty and he still has class this afternoon.

“I’m not, mom. I just—I have an assignment due Saturday at midnight and I just want to make sure I’m not leaving it until the last second.”

“Well,” Maryse huffs on the other end of the phone and Alec can feel it in the pin pricks forming in his head that this isn’t going to be a simple exchange like he’d hoped.

He’d texted his mother during his break at work to say that he wouldn’t be able to make it to the family dinner on Friday because he had a lot of schoolwork. Of course, Maryse would never let that slide and had proceeded to call Alec to try and inquire more about why Alec_ is not able to manage his time properly._ He’d got off of work and checked his phone to see two missed calls and several texts accusing him of ignoring her and being childish. In an effort to make peace, he’d called her back, but he only has half an hour before his lab class starts and he really doesn’t have time to get into it with his mother. So hopefully, by some miracle, he can manage to talk his mom down from her current crusade and also manage to get off the phone in the next ten minutes.

It takes Alec a second to realize that he zoned out his mother’s voice, a habit he formed mostly as a self-preservation technique, as he wouldn’t be able to function if he listened intently and processed all her words.

“—I mean really, Alec. What have you been doing that’s made you fall behind in your classes?”

“Nothing. . .really nothing, I’m okay in my classes, it’s just, like I said, I have this one essay that’s due Saturday and I just want to make sure I get it finished before the actual _day_—”

“But it’s _Thursday_ Alec, I’m just confused why you haven’t already finished it. I mean, it’s just unlike you. You’re usually on top of all your work. . .I just don’t get why you waited this long in the first place.”

Alec feels his jaw lock and sucks in a breath through his nose to try and stop this from becoming more than he can handle right now. He absolutely hates when his mom does this to him. She starts going on about what he _used to do_ or what he _usually does._ Alec is more than aware that he’s not as good at playing the role of her perfect son as he used to be. He knows that that façade has been deteriorating. He wants to yell at her and say that he’s not as good as he used to be. That years of hiding parts of himself and swallowing down feelings has left him stiff and dispassionate and that he’s never going to get back to being the rule-abiding, dedicated, proactive son he once was. He feels it every day. And it already hurts enough without her pointing it out.

“Yeah, well, I had other stuff for my other classes too, and those kind of took precedence so this got set aside for a bit. . .but I’ve already got a good start on it.” He does not actually have a good start on it, he, in fact only has an empty document with the title of the assignment but his mother would flip if she knew that.

Maryse gives another sigh and Alec wishes he could stop himself from curling his fist at the sound.

“Alec. . . you knew about the dinner. This was planned. And I hardly get to see you anymore, so sorry if I’m a little disappointed that you don’t consider your family important enough to make time for us.”

“No I do, I—”

“I get it, you’re schoolwork comes first. I just hope that you consider this next time, because your siblings are going to be upset that you can’t make it.”

“Well, it’s fine, I can just come, it doesn’t matter”

“Alec you just made a whole case for why you can’t come.”

“No but, you’re right, I’ll just do it another time.”

“No Alec, I don’t want you to come over when all you’re going to do is hold it against me that you aren’t working on that essay.” Alec can’t help himself anymore, balling his fist and haphazardly swinging at the air in front of him, momentarily forgetting he’s walking along in the middle of a campus.

Thankfully, it’s not crowded but Alec still hates that he’s visibly lost his cool. He runs his hand through his hair, catching the ends and pulling a little. The slight pain helps bring him down a little.

“Mom, I can come to dinner, okay? Just forget I said anything.”

Alec listens to the pause and barely lasts three seconds of Maryse’s scolding silence before he breaks.

“Hello?”

“Yes. . ”

“Okay, sorry, you just weren’t saying anything.”

“I was thinking,” Maryse says with a calm demeanor that still manages to grate Alec’s skin.

“Well, I can’t tell if you’re still there when you don’t say anything.”

“Alec, don’t get mad at _me,_ I haven’t done anything. You’re the one who made this big deal about being too busy for dinner and now you want to take it back, just because I didn’t let you get away with canceling like you’d hoped.”

“I’m not mad, I’m just—”

“Don’t come to the dinner, you don’t need to _sacrifice_ for us.” Alec drags a hand down his face. He’s close to shaking with anger. There’s never any way of winning with his mom. And he’s letting himself get too emotional and when he does that it only makes the situation worse. He knows in order to finish this he’ll have to calm down but the rage that’s building under his stoic exterior is overwhelming.

“Mom, look I have to go to class right now. But—I’ll text you later, okay?”

“Alright,” Maryse gives a clipped response and she’s hung up before Alec can take another breath. He flexes his fingers, closing his eyes and goes to turn on some music. Finding something, he slips his phone back in his pocket and stalks off to the building his lab is in. Every time he speaks to his mom, the second he lets his composure crack it’s like everything from his whole life comes out to swallow him. He’s not feeling the anger now from just that one conversation. He’s being crushed with years of taking it on the chin, of nodding his head and forcing apologies for things he isn’t sorry for. He talks to his family more than most college students do. And having a family dinner on _Friday nights_? I mean what kind of mother does that to her _college_ kids? Izzy, Jace, and Alec all make an effort to go for Max, but really, it’s a wonder that any of them ever show up. To be honest, Izzy and Jace make only about half of them and the only reason Alec rarely misses one is because he does maybe one or two social outings a month so he’s typically free. It’s insane and Alec wishes he could tell his mom that he may have asked to skip dinner for an assignment but it could be so much worse. He’s not blowing off his family to go to a party or out to dinner with friends. Not that that would even be a _bad thing_ considering his age and where he is. The fact that his mother makes him think he should feel guilty about doing something like that is absurd.

By the time Alec makes it to his class, he’s a just a walking mass of bitter anger. He feels sweaty and antsy, and that just makes him more angry because, _of course,_ why would he get to have a normal day. He always has to be a fucking mess—what else is new. He brushes his way past the other tables and tosses his backpack next to him on the ground, not even acknowledging his two lab partners as he sits down. He really can’t deal with interacting with other college students right now. He pulls out his phone, looking for something to give him a reason to be busy. Without much thought he pulls up his sister’s contact to text her. He pauses for a moment, he instinctively wants to rant to Izzy about their mom, but. . .as much as Alec gets frustrated with her, he feels bad. He knows that for the most part she’s alone right now. Since her marriage blew up, she hasn’t dated anyone, and Alec saw firsthand how much that hurt her. Alec knows if he texts Izzy about what just happened, she’ll immediately side with Alec and tear their mom a new one in the process. And he doesn’t really want that. He compromises by deciding to send her a couple of vague texts about how life is annoying and follows it with a few random gifs that he knows will let her know it’s not that serious. He stares at his screen waiting to see if she’s around to reply right away. He still wants to say more and the fact that he feels like he can’t, that he has to still protect his mother, brings back to life any part of his anger that has started to simmer. It’s so unfair that he can’t just be angry without feeling like he’s a shitty person. He wishes he could be angry without worrying about how it will hurt her. But he can’t.

“Okay, Hey everyone. . .”

Alec looks up to see his TA has started to instruct the class. He tries to pay attention, but only gets a handful of words before his thoughts drift. He glances at his phone quickly and sees that Izzy still hasn’t responded. She’s probably in class herself, so he tucks his phone away into his backpack. The next few minutes are him just glaring at the table. Not that he ever feels much like being anywhere nowadays but right now it feels so stupid to be here.

The TA wraps up whatever short presentation about the lab he was giving and moves to pass out worksheets. Alec’s set his blank stare in place but can feel the irritation and short-temperedness just below the surface.

For the first time since walking in he looks over at his lab partners. They’re already talking about the lab procedure and saying something about how long they think it’ll take.

“Hey, Alex what’s your last name?”

“Huh. . .” Alec looks over to see Magnus staring at him. He gives a small gesture to the worksheet in from of them and Alec realizes Magnus is asking because he needs to write his name down.

“It’s not Alex actually” He feels the words slide out of his mouth with a scoff and more bitterness than he means.

“Oh my god, uh…sorry. ..?” Magnus falters a little, the smile on his face falling.

“I don’t go by Alex.”

“Oh. . . sorry what?”

“Here, I’ll just write it down.” Alec says, grabbing the paper, and dismissing the confused look on Magnus’ face. He knows it’s cold. That without the context of what’s going on in his brain, he’s coming off as a jerk, not to mention confusing the guy because it’s not like he’s really correct in saying Alex isn’t his name. But apparently, even if he tucked away the thoughts in his mind from earlier, his feelings aren’t being snuffed so easily.

He hands the paper back to Magnus and watches as he glances down at the it. He looks like he’s about to say something, but must think better of it because he sets it aside to pull out the instructions for today’s lab experiment.

Alec has a hard time focusing on the actual work for the whole lab. It’s not unusual, recently his brain has found it exceedingly difficult to stay focused on one topic. He makes it through the first hour and a half, letting Lydia and Magnus do most of the talking, only offering up affirmations in response to their suggestions about the experiment. They’re making good time and currently they’re just waiting out a 20-minute interval in which they’re supposed to allow a reaction to run.

Alec pulls out his phone, but after seeing that Izzy still hasn’t responded, he just scrolls around his different home pages before setting it back down. He really hates having to bide his time like this because he doesn’t really have anything to do on his phone. His go-to is to listen to music but he’s not bold enough to put on headphones in the middle of class, even if they aren’t doing anything. Glancing around he sees Lydia is intently reading the lab manual, flipping through pages, and probably second-checking their work. Magnus is scrolling through his phone with one hand and his chin resting in the palm of the other. Alec holds his gaze on him a little, unable to stop from it really.

Sometimes, you just look at a person and you feel an extra jolt inside you. Like they’re somehow more vibrant than the other people you meet in day to day life. Magnus was one of those people for Alec. Since he met him last class, he’s noticed him in various places around campus. And every time, Alec feels a little extra rush of his blood running through his veins. He doesn’t know if it’s a positive thing or a negative one, all he can say is that Magnus’ presence somehow disrupts the careful, internal solitude that Alec usually hides in. Alec averts his attention back down to the table before he can get caught staring, but casually takes a couple more glances at Magnus. He gets a little caught up in how clear and smooth his skin looks. If Alec even leant on his hand, his chin would probably get red, and that’d be _in addition_ to the already patchy, easily disturbed complexion he has. He huffs a little looking away again. As much as Alec finds himself interested in Magnus the idea of being vulnerable enough to like someone who could turn him down, results in Alec needing a defense mechanism that in this case, takes the form of ratting on attractive people. It appears the remainder of their wait he’ll spend being bitter and thinking about how it’s not fair that Magnus and other beautiful people just get to _walk around existing like that_.

* * *

Magnus exits lab, strolling slowly by the almost empty buildings. He’s feeling a little sluggish and though he knows he should probably make an effort to move faster so he can get started on his 30 minute bus ride home he just doesn’t feel the pull right now. Lab today was weird. Not in a way he could recount to any of his friends, but just in that it unnerved him a little. He thinks about Lydia and the way she seemed to have so much energy for the subject. Energy that he struggles to feel about his school life right now. And then there's _Alexander. _He had been looking forward to seeing him again, even if he wasn’t consciously thinking it, and his interactions with him today were minimal and disappointing. It’s so annoying how nothing can be consistent. After last week, he was hoping to get along with his lab partners but today just felt awkward and disjointed. Maybe next time Alexander will talk more. 

Magnus wishes he could say the short interaction where Alec told him he got his name wrong wasn’t replaying in his head but it was. Magnus still feels stupid about the whole thing though he doesn’t know what else he could’ve done differently. Aren't Alex and Alexander the same? He keeps wondering what Alexander probably thinks about him. It was such a small meaningless interaction, but Magnus’ brain can’t help but fixate on it. He often thinks that people think he's weird. It doesn't bother him per say, but he's still in a place where he's aware of it and pays it attention. He doesn't want Alexander to be one of those people. Maybe next week he can start a conversation with him, about something that Alexander will like and that they can bond over. Then he'll like him. He doesn't know anything about him so he's not sure what to say but he'll think of something. Maybe sports? Not that he knows much, but he's heard the football team here sucks and he's seen plenty of guys bond over making fun of bad sports teams. Magnus is playing fake conversations in his head when he starts to feel tired of himself. Why does he always do this. He doesn't need some guy to like him._ He should be able to feel comfortable being around people without worrying if they like him_. Magnus rolls his neck out trying to dispel the clutter inside his head. Shutting down all thoughts of Alexander, Magnus continues on his trip home, palms a little sweaty and his right foot lightly throbbing from his boots being a little too narrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. . .I'm trying to make this realistic, but I understand that I'm using mainly my experiences with how relationships start, which is, for me, usually pretty slowly and with a lot of misinterpretations.  
I feel like for some of the people I'm closest to, I thought they didn't like me at all when we met. It's probably a by product of overthinking and insecurities but I think both Magnus and Alec have those traits (at least how I'm writing them) so it'd be likely it'd happen to them. 
> 
> Hopefully you guys find that relatable or at least understand what I mean. 
> 
> Please feel free to leave comments or thoughts! :)
> 
> Twitter: @malecmonday


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, it's been a while since I updated, I got a little stuck on how I want the next part of this to go. I have later chapters fully-planned and with some stuff already written, but I was struggling with how I'm going to get there. Plus life...Hopefully, I'll get back to updating about once a week. 
> 
> enjoy!

_“You just never listen to me!” Alec yells and turns away from his mother, who’s face is mostly void of an expression, but not as cold as it usually is. His breaths aren’t coming out easily, he can’t tell if his mother is responding because all he’s aware of is the sweat making his shirt cling to his back and the pounding of the blood pulsing through his head. His head feels heavy and thick, like when congested from a cold. He turns back to face her again and the words slip from his mouth._

_“I can’t do this anymore. I’m never good enough, you’re just always telling me how wrong everything I do is and I can’t. . . I can’t . . .” Everything seems fuzzy. Like he can’t open his eyes wide enough to focus on what’s going on around him. He can’t see clearly, can’t think clearly. _

_His mom is answering him, but the words aren’t registering. The anger in his system flares, frustration and fury mixing. _

_“Why do you always have to be like this? Why can’t you just care about me? It just.. I can never breathe!” His last words catch, heavy at the back of his throat and that’s why he realizes he’s started crying. He doesn’t want to cry in front of his mom, he knows that she’ll see it as weakness. He has to stop, but even as the sobs wrack through his body, causing his shoulders to hunch forward, a small part of the back of his head feels at peace. He’s actually having this conversation. It’s a wreck but there’s no turning back. His mom steps closer to him and he turns away from her again. _

_“Alec, just stop for a second.”_

_He turns, looking at her face. She looks different somehow. Something’s off. But he can’t tell what. She doesn’t seem angry at him, but he feels like she’s yelling at him, like she always does. His face feels itchy and hot, his heart’s beating heavy in his chest. He still hasn’t stopped crying but it’s slowed down. He hears his mom talking to him again, at the same time, he starts hiccuping. _

Alec jolts awake in his bed. Disoriented and still sluggish with the weight of sleep, Alec has already instinctively shut off his alarm before his brain even registers what it’s responding to. Alec rolls onto his back and untangles his legs from the covers. His shoulders ache, a satisfying pain spreading when he stretches them out. There’s a stiffness he feels down to his bones, no doubt caused by the tension his body held during that… what, _nightmare?_ Is that what that was? The details of the dream seem to elude Alec but the emotions they cause linger enough for him to identify what it was, a blurry combination of Alec’s fears. The lines he'd been yelling in the dream echo in his head, leaving him feeling pathetic and vulnerable. It’s a pain that his subconscious had to plague him with that during his sleep, instead of feeling rested now he feels worn and tired still. Alec gives himself another handful of deep breaths before heaving his body up with a soft sigh and leaning over to look off the side of his bunk bed. He sees his roommate, Simon already up and at his desk with headphones on. It’s only 9am but it appears today is one of those days where Simon has decided to be productive. If Alec’s learned anything in his time being Simon’s roommate this means he’s probably already consumed some kind of sickeningly sweet energy drink and should be carefully avoided if Alec wants to refrain from getting an enthusiastic monologue about the musical score for some obscure movie he’s never heard of. 

With care not to jolt the bed too much, Alec climbs down the side ladder. A quick glance over to Simon shows that he’s managed to go unnoticed and he quickly grabs his shower caddie and towel and slips out of their bedroom to the communal bathroom down the hall.

Alec thought sharing a bathroom with his three siblings was bad but college dorm bathrooms are a whole other germ infested nightmare. He’s so thankful that he doesn’t have to clean it, but at the same time feels awful that it’s someone else’s job. It’s relatively early so they’re not too bad today, two of the five showers are being used and Alec quickly makes his way to the second to last one, which he’s come to find has the best water pressure. He still has a fair amount of time to get ready before class but he makes the shower quick, hoping to get down to the dining halls before they close breakfast at 10:30. Somewhere between five and ten minutes later—after a slight interruption to have a brief episode of dissociation and a quick existential crisis staring at the shower wall—he’s quickly walking down the hall, awkwardly holding his sleep clothes and shower caddie against his body in one hand, the other cautiously hovering above where his towel is wrapped around his waist. He’s seen enough people do this that he knows it’s at least socially acceptable, but he still feels cold and uncomfortable walking down the long hallway, the back of his mind freaking out at the idea that his towel could accidentally fall or slide down. There’s a group of students at the end of the hallway chatting and as Alec goes to grab his key he hears a chorus of laughter. He’s steals a quick glance over at them to see if they’re looking his way, but they’re all facing each other. The overactive part of his brain still wants him to think that they’re laughing at him, maybe his chest hair looks weird or just his overall appearance looks dorky. It’s illogical and unlikely that they're paying him any attention, but it’s enough to make his self-consciousness jump, causing him to fumble with his key and make quite the racket getting the door open. He stumbles inside, silently cursing himself for not just bringing a change of clothes with him, and is caught off guard by Simon, who must’ve heard his entrance and is already looking over at him.

“Oh Hey! I didn’t even hear you get up, I totally thought you were still in bed.”

“Oh, ha, yeah I was just taking a shower” Alec turns away to his dresser, setting his stuff down and hoping the fact that he has to get dressed will discourage Simon from starting a conversation. Unfortunately, Simon seems unperturbed and Alec hears him swivel his desk chair around so he’s facing Alec.

“Dude, I’ve got so much work done today. I’ve been up since like six am, I just woke up and it, like, just felt right to be up, like I wasn’t tired at all, so I was like, ya know what? I should make the most of this. I got two of my readings done for my history of opera class. Let me just say, I was kinda annoyed that I had to take this class, but opera is actually really wild, I mean, I wouldn’t want to study it for real or anything, but I don’t mind it. It’s kinda cool.”

Alec awkwardly searches through his underwear drawer slowly, hoping Simon will turn away so he can at least get some boxers on. After Simon starts detailing the depressing plot of some 19th century opera, Alec decides its not going to end anytime soon and tries as smoothly as possible to just slip on his boxers underneath his towel. He manages okay, and, relieved that the most uncomfortable part is over, hangs up his towel and finishes getting dressed as Simon continues on.

On the surface, Alec might get annoyed by Simon and his inability to keep things to himself, but really, he does appreciate him. There’s something comforting about the way Simon dives into things whole-heartedly. And maybe a little part of him is jealous that Simon always seems capable of being open about every aspect of himself, even when his interests make people want to roll their eyes.

“—And anyways, I’m trying to figure out what stance to write about for it. I’m just making notes now but. . .are you heading out?”

“uh-yeah I think I’m gonna try and go study a little before class.” He’d grabbed his bag and had been slowly moving toward the door, hoping not to come off as rude but also extremely ready to be alone so he can relax. He really wants to go eat, but forgoes that detail, afraid Simon might invite himself along.

“oh, yeah, ha good luck!”

“Yeah, we’ll see, probably won’t get anything done, but ya know, I’m gonna try”

Simon huffs out a laugh and a sympathetic nod of his head.

“The never-ending struggle of trying to be productive. . .Oh, also not to be weird or anything but, I heard you grinding your teeth in your sleep when I got up this morning. . . it didn’t, like, bother me or anything, but I just wanted to tell you cause that can be pretty bad for your teeth. Ya know, it wears ‘em out and stuff. Do you do that a lot? I’ve never noticed before.”

Alec’s caught off-guard by the question and the mention of it. He does know it’s something he does from time to time, Jace has told him before, when they used to share a room, but Simon bringing it up now has him thinking of the likely reason for it which was the dream he’d had last night. Though Simon obviously doesn’t know about that, he still feels anxious and uneasy, like Simon will somehow figure out everything Alec’s hiding just from his teeth-grinding habits.

“Oh, uh I guess sometimes. .”

“Well, you should consider getting a mouth guard, I’m surprised your dentist hasn’t said anything actually—”

“Yeah, I don’t know, anyways, sorry, I gotta go, but I'll see ya later.”

“Oh! yeah, see ya! . . Bye!”

Alec tries not to slam the door on his way out, and rushes down the hall, pulling out his headphones as he goes. Now that he's left he feels, bad about not being nicer to Simon. Why does he always have to be so frantic about everything. He practically just ran out of there, and for what? Simon probably is annoyed with him now. He could've at least said something nice to him about all that stupid opera shit.. Simon probably thinks he’s rude, and will tell Clary, who will probably mention it to Izzy and then Izzy will be embarrassed about being the sister of a rude, unfriendly human being and _ugh! Whatever! Who fucking cares?!_ Alec speeds up his walk out of the dorm building and clicks on one of his playlists eager for something to overtake his hyperactive brain. It's not until an hour later, when Alec is sitting at a dinning table, stomach full and empty plates in front of him, that he remembers he was supposed to be doing his online pre-lab report that's due later today. 

* * *

Despite feeling as though Magnus has learned absolutely nothing yet, it’s approaching the fifth week of the semester. Midterm season is just around the corner and the realization that his first exam is a week away has given Magnus just enough motivation to pick up his anatomy textbook for the first time all quarter. In an attempt to keep him focused and on task he’d invited Caterina over, hoping her diligence and pro-activeness might inspire something similar in himself. So far, it doesn’t quite seem to be working out, as he’s reread the same paragraph about kidney filtration 3 times and still wouldn’t be able to repeat back what was in it. Caterina, in his defense, doesn’t seem to have any problem distracting him, probably because she’s caught up on all her work.

“So, Saturday, 10pm, Ragnor’s apartment complex.”

Magnus’ eyes flutter between Caterina and his textbook before settling on her across the couch.

“Oh?. . what are we doing?”

“Our environmental club is throwing a fundraiser party thing. It’ll be a $5 entry fee”

“Right, so I’m going to have to _pay_ to drink _cheap booze_?” Catarina lets out a short laugh at the disgusted face Magnus makes and kicks out at him with her foot.

“Hey, this is gonna be classy. . .we’re making jello shots”

“oo..blue raspberry?”

“Definitely, and I think green apple probably”

“Green apple is gross”

“mm.. but it goes well with vodka”

“ughh!” Magnus puts on a show of dramatically shuddering for Cat. “No it doesn’t! Just because college kids have no taste and want everything to be sweet doesn’t mean green apple goes with vodka”

“well not everyone is a mixologist, Magnus”

“Yes, and really, I can’t believe I wasn’t consulted about what drinks would be served at this party!”

“Like I said it’s a fundraiser, we’re just trying to get people’s money and let them get drunk as fast as possible in return”

“Well… you better be able to guarantee that I can get at least 4 blue jello shots or I’m not coming.”

Catarina throws her head back in a laugh but nods at her overdramatic friend. As intense as his words might be she knows it’s not in any way serious.

“Okay, in payment for your _four_ shots though please tell other people too. We have a decent amount of people that RSVPed to the event but we’re using the whole roof patio so we’re trying to get more.”

“Right, let me just go tell _all the many _people I talk to in my classes.”

“Hey, you’re the social one, the rest of us are basically hermits so we’re counting on you!”

“That’s such a lie Cat, everyone loves you!”

“Really? You mean all the fake girls who say _we just have to hang out and get dinner sometime_ and then proceed to not talk to me again all semester?”

Magnus laughs and straightens up, getting ready to imitate exactly the kind of people Cat is talking about.

“_Oh my god, Cat it’s so great to see you, how have you been? Me? I’ve been great! And OH it’s been crazy because I just got into this research lab—_”

Cat laughs at Magnus, joining in, “O_h my lab is great but it’s so annoying because they only pay me $13/hr!”_

_“Oh woow only $13/hr, the horror!”_

Cat drops the reenactment to laugh some more at the ridiculousness.

“Oh my god, for real though, Magnus, I hate it, these rich kids complaining about how much they get paid in their lab. Like, are they aware 95% of these positions don’t pay at all? I work over 15 hours a week in my lab and I get nothing!”

“Yeah, I need to get into a research lab period…my resume is..” Magnus trails off scrunching up his face.

“Well, you have a job at least. It’s not like you’re doing nothing.”

“Yeah a job that is absolutely unrelated to my desired career field. I don’t think working at a clothing store is, in any way, going to help me get into a graduate program.”

“I mean it shows commitment at least? You’ve had it since you started school here.”

“hmm… maybe..” Magnus appreciates Cat trying to list the positives, but he knows that it’s not actually going to be seen that way, when his application lands next to people who have years of experience in labs or clinical work.

The conversation trails off a little, Magnus pulls out his phone to check for any notifications and sees that it’s already 12:43pm. His lab today is at 3, so he still has a little bit of time.

“Do you have class today?” He asks looking back to Cat

“No, I just had that 8am, but I’m going to go into lab later. I just need to finish running something, so I figured I’d just head out when you went to your lab class.”

“Yeah, I’ll probably leave at… oh shit! I didn’t do my pre-lab for today’s class!”

Magnus flings his textbook in front of him and moves to grab his laptop from his backpack. Figures that even when he’s trying to be productive by studying he would end up still being behind by forgetting about the work he _actually has to do._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, unfortunately no malec interaction... but maybe this party Cat was talking about will be significant? ;)
> 
> let me know what you think!
> 
> twitter @malecmonday


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I really have nothing against Lydia. . . her character kinda just happened this way. I may or may not try and redeem her character later. I haven't decided. 
> 
> I feel like this chapter is kind of all over the place, but I'm trying to speed things up because even though I planned this to be a slow burn, we still have a fair amount of ground to cover before Malec can happen and I'm getting too impatient.  
My writing is also being done mostly on public transit during my commute to work/school so...that doesn't help the quality of my writing very much either. lol  
Hopefully it comes across okay.  
Also there's a TINY season 1 malec reference in here... if anyone gets it ;)

“What do we do first? Do we have to pipette the solution out of the tube or are we just using this for the whole thing?”

Magnus swirls the tinted mixture around in the tube and watches it swish around. He’s not feeling particularly focused right now and it’s causing him to have trouble taking this class seriously. It feels like it doesn’t matter how it goes.

“What are you doing, you can’t shake the mixture,”

Magnus turns his head to Lydia. She's scowling, but really, that seems to be her natural state and it’s not affecting Magnus one bit right now. He sets the tube back down, but he’s not willingly to let her fully win. He feels like being difficult. 

“It’s already completely mixed, that’s the whole point of the lab isn’t it? We’re going to separate it out? Why would it matter if I mix it more?”

Alexander is sitting in between them, and Magnus catches his eyebrows raise as he stares down at the table in front of him. Past him, Lydia huffs and Magnus expects to hear some unfounded defense from her but instead it’s Alexander that cuts in.

“So, uh, it says here that we’ve been given a dissolved solution—so the green stuff in the tube— and using liquid _chromo-to-. . .chromota—choma-tagraphy _we’re going to separate the solution into it’s different components to identify them and their quantities.”

Magnus' annoyance with Lydia slips away as he watches Alexander stumble over the word _chromatography_, mispronouncing it three times in a row. He sees the blush from Alexander’s embarrassment spread across his cheeks, even reaching the back of his neck, and though it’s no doubt a minor horror for Alexander the whole thing just makes Magnus like him more. It’s endearing, though maybe a little uncomfortable. He jumps in quickly, hoping to move past it so Alexander doesn’t linger on the mistake.

“Cool, so I guess we’re pouring directly from here. And then we just need the column it’s going to go through which would be. . . _this_ I believe.” Magnus pulls over a column that has a cord attached to it.

“Yeah, that . . .” Alexander pauses and tracks back and forth between the supplies on the table and his lab manual. Magnus knows he’s right, but he’s enjoying watching Alexander purse his lips and scowl down at the manual a little too much so he lets him get there on his own. From this angle Magnus can’t help but appreciate Alexander’s side profile. And his hair looks ridiculously cute, the way it curls at the nape of his neck.

“So . . .that should have the solid absorbent material in it, because that, like . . .separates—”

“The solid absorbent material interacts with each component of the solution differently and causes them to come out of the column at different speeds so we can see the distinct separate components.” Magnus almost audibly sighs at Lydia’s rude interjection, he just barely retrains, but he does roll his eyes, though not for her to see. Alexander’s head pops up from the manual, mouth still half open, as he looks over at Lydia then glances at Magnus.

“Uh, Yeah. Hah, that.” He clears his throat and leans back in his chair. Magnus sees this as a kind of resignment from Alexander. It makes him want to put Lydia in her place. He’s so sick of stuck up smart people who think they’re better than everyone else because they can memorize things and rat them off whenever the occasion arises. He doesn’t want Alexander to be more uncomfortable than he already looks so he doesn't saying anything. It’s hard though, because he’s in the mood to provoke people, his passion for defying norms is particularly strong right now, and Lydia has made it too easy to be annoyed at. Well, they have plenty of time for this lab and if he drags things out a little bit to make it harder on Lydia. . ._honestly _ who can blame him.

“Ya know,” Magnus starts picking up the solution again “It kinda looks like a cocktail. I had this green martini once on Halloween, it was spectacular—”

“We should probably start on the lab now if we want to have time to finish.” Magnus looks at Lydia, but doesn’t acknowledge that she said anything, instead turning toward Alexander to finish.

“It was a Lime Drop Martini, and obviously they’d added food coloring to get such a vibrant green, but still—_marvelous_. People do lemon drop all the time, but lime is such an underrated flavor.” As soon as he sets the tube back down Lydia pounces, grabbing it and moving to start the experiment. Magnus isn’t even bothered though because Alexander is biting his lip to keep from smiling and after a couple seconds he loses the fight, and the moment Magnus sees Alexander break out into a real smile, his heart jolts. Magnus can tell himself it’s just the satisfaction of cheering someone up, making them smile, but deep down he knows it’s something different. Something he won’t be ready to acknowledge for quite a while.

* * *

Just over an hour and many tangents from Magnus later, they’ve finished running the experiment and have moved on to the analysis portion. They’d split up the work between the three of them, in an attempt to save time and get out of class earlier. They're on Alec's question's currently. 

“Okay, so number 5, list the proportions of each component in the solution.”

“I got, uh, 45%, 20%, and 35%.” Magnus goes to start writing down what Alexander said, but it appears Lydia won’t leave well enough alone.

“Well, I had some extra time on my hands after I finished my questions, so I actually calculated it too, ya know, just to double check. And I got 40%, 30%, and 30%.”

This time Magnus manages to hold back his eye roll, though his patience for Lydia and her know-it-all attitude is all but gone now. Alexander on the other hand, doesn’t look annoyed per say, but Magnus catches the way he drops his hands into his lap and rubs his right thumb over the other hand, digging into the skin.

“Oh, um, well how did you get that?”

Magnus tunes out Lydia as she purposefully whips her worksheet over in front of Alec and starts her speech about how she came to arrive at her answer. He can’t help but think about how different his experience today with Alexander was, in contrast to last week. It honestly, feels like it wasn’t even the same person, though some of the underlying traits, the reservations, Magnus can still see in both days. Magnus wonders if maybe he let his insecurities project too much into how he interpreted Alexander last week. It felt like he disliked him, but maybe Magnus was just being overly sensitive. Alexander seemed to like him today. He’d smiled and even laughed over the course of the experiment. He almost goes over the details of last week in his head but dismisses thoughts of it away. He doesn’t need to linger on that. He just needs to move forward.

He wants to invite Alexander to the party that Cat was talking about this weekend. He’d first thought of it when he was talking about lime cocktails, and it’s been in the back of his mind ever since. He really doesn’t know that many people he’d ask in person, despite what Caterina thinks. He has tons of people on his social media. He could tweet or post on his story to let them know, but when it comes to people that he has real conversations with in person, that list is very small, not to mention inconsistent.

Today there’s just something about Alexander that’s keeping him in a good mood, it’s making him feel bold enough to ask, he just needs a time where Lydia isn’t _right there_ because he’s not _mean. _He isn’t going to invite Alec in front of her and then just leave her out. That would be very high school. If it really is a big-ish party like Cat says, then it probably won’t matter if Lydia is there anyway. Maybe he should just invite both of them. Lydia will likely turn it down anyway, judging by her demeanor. Magnus is just considering that Alexander actually might turn him down too, when he hears his TA’s voice from right behind him.

“Yes, you have a question” Magnus is about to say they’re fine, when he realizes both Alexander and Lydia had their hands raised.

“Yes, we were just a little confused about how to do number five. . .” Alexander moves over so the TA can look at his sheet.

“Well, we both got different answers, this is what I got.” Lydia shoves her paper back over.

The TA glances in between the two papers.

“That one is right, that’s not right.” Then he’s gone as quick as he came. Alexander is back to that cute thing where he bites his lip to keep from smiling. Magnus is already smiling, and it only grows as he watches Lydia’s face scrunch up, taking in that she was wrong.

“Okay, so Alexander, was right” Magnus says, trying not to sound _too_ happy about it. “So, 45, 20, 35, right?”

“Yeah,” Alexander, says with a soft smile. Lydia hops off her seat, and Magnus hears her calling out to the TA again, already asking another question because she doesn’t understand how her answer could _possibly_ be wrong.

“Do you like the environment, Alexander?” Alec looks over at him, confused, and Magnus tries to pretend he doesn't feel stupid for starting the conversation that way. 

“Uh, sure? I mean, we definitely need to be considerate of it and stuff, cause we’re destroying it right now, ya know, climate change and all that.”

“Well, the environmental club is hosting a party, this Saturday, a _fund-rager_ if you will. It’s only five dollars to get in and I’ve been told they’ll be lots of fun drinks. . .You should come.” He tries to play it off casually, flipping his pencil case in his hand. Alexander doesn’t answer right away and for a moment Magnus is sure he’ll flat out turn him down.

“That’s sounds fun. . .umm when?”

“It starts at ten,” Magnus wants to say more, but Lydia sits back down then, and he barely gets to take another breath before she’s already directed the conversation back to the assignment. Magnus doesn’t want to leave the conversation there. He hadn’t even told Alec where it was. It wouldn’t be that hard for him too find out, but he doesn’t feel confident from that conversation that Alexander will show up. He did say that it sounded fun though. Magnus doesn’t even know why he wants him there so badly. It’s not like it’ll be the end of the world if he doesn’t go. Nevertheless, he spends the rest of the class, fretting over his invite and wondering what might happen if Alexander actually does go to the party.

* * *

It’s Saturday morning which means Alec survived the week. Unfortunately, the toughest part of the week is not over because he’s going over to visit his mom today. There hadn’t been a dinner last night, though this time, Alec couldn’t be blamed for it. Max had a school event that his mom had to drive him to. Instead he had been guilted into coming over for a late brunch, which was, exponentially worse because none of his other siblings would be there. He dreaded having to sit through a meal without his loud outspoken siblings to act as a buffer. He only has about five more minutes left of his bus ride, then a ten minute walk from the stop to their apartment. Fifteen minutes then. Fifteen minutes to get ready for whatever his mother tries to put on him today. There’s a chance that she’ll be laid back today, and maybe nothing will happen. There have been some occasions where his visits tend to just be “catch-ups” with mild small-talk. However, the odds of that aren’t great, and if he doesn’t prepare himself for the worst, he’ll get blindsided. More often these visits require Alec to maneuver around different topics, carefully calculating when he needs to change the subject in order to avoid going into volatile territory.

Alec steps off the bus and onto familiar streets. Buildings he doesn’t look twice at because it’s just second nature to see. Walking this path from the bus is muscle memory. It’s the same way he used to walk home from his part-time job for almost all of high school. Part of Alec feels comforted by the walk, it makes him feel safe, because it reminds him of a time back when everyone was still at home. When he saw Jace, Izzy, and Max every day. Since leaving for college everything has felt more unstable. He’s allowed to get stuck in his head more often then he ever was before and that endless amount of time for self-reflection and overthinking does him no favors. He misses laughing all the time. That’s what comes to mind when he thinks of them all back at home. Not now, when they have those weekly dinners, but back when they all lived there, all stuffed away into that three bedroom apartment. He thinks of Izzy, laying on the floor, laughing so hard tears fall out the corners of her eyes, Max jumping onto his back and trying to knock him over, Jace making some exaggerated monologue about something that had happened to him that week. His heart aches for that time, though in some way or another all of them had been miserable. They’d moved into this apartment after the fallout between his parents. And though none of them really mourned their dad leaving—not after what he’d done—the shift had been a critical point for the Lightwood siblings, and not a good one. He knows they’re all searching for something better now. Max still has a while before he leaves home but Izzy and Jace are working toward a freedom from their childhood just like he’s trying to. College may have made him feel insecure and on unstable ground, but it was a freedom he’d never experienced before, and that taste of freedom, made it the hardest to show back up at this apartment. To relinquish his ability to do whatever he felt, and instead subject himself to his mother’s scrutiny, felt physically painful. Stepping up the stairs to the apartment, Alec makes one more effort to steel himself, before pulling out his keys and opening the door. He knocks as he enters, just to announce his arrival and it’s not long before his mother is striding over to the door.

“Alec! It’s so great to see you” She settles her hand on his arm, this is about as much affection as he’ll get out of her.

“Hey, mom”

“I have brunch all ready, do you want coffee?”

“No, thank you”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah”

“I made enough for you”

“I’m fine really”

“Well, okay”

Alec already feels slightly stressed. His mother’s pushiness already chipping away his patience. His problem is always that he can’t untangle a single event from his whole childhood. He’s well aware that right now, he may be thinking he’s annoyed at his mom for not believing him when he says he doesn’t want coffee but really he’s mad about over a decade of his mother never taking him or his opinions seriously.

“So, tell me about school? How are your classes?”

“They’ve been good, midterms are coming up soon so I’ll be doing a lot of studying for those.”

“I’m sure you’re more than ready for them. You’re always good about your school work.”

The words themselves seem supportive, but the way she says them is almost more of a challenge than anything. Like she’s daring him to say anything different. The truth is, he hasn’t been doing anywhere near as well in college as he did in high school. He’s not doing poorly, but he doesn’t have a 4.0, and his gpa has been slowly slipping quarter by quarter. He assumes his mother still believes he gets all As and he’s not going to tell her any differently.

“Yeah” Alec says, though with no real backing.

“Hmm. So have you looked at that research program I sent you?”

“Oh, um yeah I read it, but I don’t really have time right now. I just—with my job, I don’t know. . .They require you to work at least 15 hours a week in the lab.”

“Alec, I thought it looked like a good option for you. Yes, time might be difficult, but you have to consider the impact that it’ll have on your resume.”

“Well, yeah, I get that.” Alec pauses trying to think carefully about where he goes next. “I just think, maybe I could do some volunteer work maybe at a hospital or something. That way it wouldn’t be as big of a commitment, and it would still look good for med school.”

Maryse sighs and sets her fork back down on the plate. 

“Some minor volunteer work isn’t going to look as good as a stable position in a research lab Alec. Med schools like to see that you’re well rounded. I mean that’s why you picked up that second major in anthropology isn’t it?”

“I—uh, yeah, but—”

“What’s the real reason here Alec? Is it that you’re scared to apply to this program?”

“What? No!”

“Really? Because you always seem to have excuses for not interviewing or applying. You’re always so afraid to put yourself out there. You’re so scared of authority, I don’t know _why . . .” _Alec sucks in a breath and tries to tune his mother out. It’s so frustrating because she always acts like she knows best, but really what experience does she have? She never went to med school, she doesn’t know anyone who has. She spent a couple of evenings searching things up on the internet and now she feels like she has a right to weigh in on all of his choices. And lecturing him about being afraid of authority figures? It’s a common lecture he gets. And it so fucking ironic to Alec that _she_ berates him for having an inferiority complex when it’s so clear that he has it because of her.

She’s wrong in this case, however, he really doesn’t have time to take on more activities, but he can't deny having a tendency to fall in line at the slightest hint of an order, and he does have a hard time selling himself to employers because he carries a low sense of self-value. His job right now is just a trivial food service job and he’d _still_ struggled with his interview for that. He’d thought he’d made a real effort to be friendly and confident but his effort had turned out to all be in vain because at the end of the interview his boss had made the comment that Alec _must be a quiet person_, and while _that’s fine_, he hoped that it wouldn’t affect his ability to handle customers. Fortunately, he’d still got the job, but it had been a frustrating experience, realizing even after his efforts he’d still failed.

“I mean _really_ Alec, you need to stand up for yourself, you have to be able to chase after the things you want in life.”

“Yeah I get it, okay, I’ll look at it again.”

“No, don’t just say that Alec, to get me to stop talking, that’s not going to work. I know you, and you just want to say whatever you can to get me to shut up and then you’ll go on doing the exact same thing.”

Alec flinches a little at her tone and sets his hands underneath the table, digging his thumb into the opposite hand, trying to remain composed. These conversations are smothering. There’s no way to get out of it. He knows he needs to concede in order for it to end. It’s not healthy, but he’s never in his life won an argument with his mom and he knows today isn’t going to be that day.

He looks back at her, and doesn’t say anything. The longer he waits, the worse he thinks it’ll be but he can’t get his mouth to form words. He has to though. He needs to make this conversation end as soon as possible. He needs to leave.

“Okay,” he breathes out. “I’m sorry, I’ll try and see if I can fit it in.” He stands immediately after, gathering his dishes up.

Maryse follows his movements with a narrowed gaze. He steps into the small kitchen area and sets them in the sink. The apartment isn’t big, and so she can still see him from where the dinning table is, but he has his back to her. There’s various other dishes in the sink from when she prepped brunch and he starts scrubbing off the plates and utensils.

“Alec, what are you doing, you don’t have to do that.”

“It’s fine, I don’t want to leave you with a bunch of dishes to take care of.” She’s still seated and Alec swallows hard as he looks down at the bowl in his hands. He thinks about his mother, alone this morning, making all these dishes for him and he feels guilty that they couldn’t even have a nice conversation. He knows that of his siblings, he spends the most time with her. Max still lives here but he’s never around, just like he isn’t this morning. Alec can’t blame him, can’t blame any of his siblings for distancing themselves, but. . .he hates that his mother doesn’t have anyone else. He wishes he could just feel anger, that he could talk back to her and tell her that he won’t live as her puppet. That he won’t live his life to please her. But she doesn’t have anyone but her children. Not after what happened with Robert.

Before he can help it, tears pick at the corners of his eyes and he has to bite down on his lip to stop himself from crying. He wishes his mom would just be accepting. That they could just talk about random things, like a TV show she watched or the Avengers movie or _something_. He doesn’t want everything to be so heavy. He wants to be there for her but he can’t when she’s like this.

“Well, thank you Alec. Lord knows your brother never does any dishes here.”

“It’s no problem.” Alec chokes out, only barely able to keep his voice even. He takes a deep breath and resolves himself to try keep it together for the rest of the visit.

* * *

Alec’s back in the safety of his dorm room, but he’s thoroughly drained. He feels both stiff and empty. The hour long trip back to campus gave him too much time to think. His head has been so clouded with all kinds of thoughts about his family issues that he hasn’t gotten anything done in the last few hours. He wants nothing more than to clear his mind.

Simon rattles into the room. He’s carrying an assortment of things, coffee and a laptop among them, and he cant stop the door from whacking into the wall. Alec winces at the noise but surprisingly, he’s happy to see Simon. He could do with some regular interaction.

“He man, how was your trip back home? I’m surprised you’re back already, usually when I go home, I can’t get away with just a day, my mom will make me stay the whole weekend. Though, I really can’t argue, especially when it means home-cooked meals.”

“Yeah, well I guess cause I go back more often. . .” Alec mumbles. He hopes they don't have to linger on it. 

“Right, right. Well anyway, I was just about to meet up with Clary for dinner, did you want to come?”

“Umm, no thanks, I’m still kind of full.”

“Okay, cool. . .well we’re going to be coming back here afterward because we’re going to a party later. Do you mind if we pregame a little here before?”

“Umm, no. . .I think that should be fine, like, not too many people though right?”

“No no no, it’s just gonna be Clary and like two other people from one of our classes. And don’t worry we won’t be loud. I mean, can I convince you to join us for that? I know you don’t really go to parties but this one will be more chill I think. It’s at an apartment so no frat or party house ya know?”

“Uhhh, I don’t know, maybe.”

“Okay, well, I’ll see you in, like, an hour, and hopefully by then you’ll have decided that tonight’s a good night to get wassteeedddd!” Simon fist pumps with both hands as he exaggerates the last word and Alex can’t help but laugh because though Simon is nothing like a frat guy, he sure likes to pretend he parties like one. In truth, he’s a light weight and is more likely to get tipsy on his second glass of pink wine than to be caught taking shots. It’s one of his more endearing traits.

“Okay, have fun at dinner.”

Simon leaves again, dancing his way out the door and Alec wonders not for the first time what it would be like to exist that freely. Maybe he should go to the party tonight. It’s either a great idea, or a really bad one. . . But Alec’s not sure he minds either way. He feels like he has nothing left to lose. He doesn’t normally go to parties, but maybe he needs to do something out of character for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alec hasn't put together that the party Simon's talking about is the same one Magnus invited him too. . .But he'll find out soon enough!


	8. The Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're back to continue reading, hello!  
hope you didn't forget what was going on, I know it's been a while.   
We'll see how things go with this, I'm trying to stay committed but life is really kicking me right now. Mostly this story is therapeutic for me but I'm feeling so cynical and I don't want that to influence the story too much. . .so I haven't been writing a lot. 
> 
> anyway :) at least there's malec right? a moment for our emotional support couple. . .even if they're not quite here yet in this story.

“Okay everyone, remember to stay hydrated, a bottle of water for everyone before we go out!” Clary leads the parade of noise into his dorm room, playing mother hen even though it’s mostly just because she likes to boss people around. Alec feels a strong urge to leave, as though he’s intruding, despite this being his room. His unease lightens as he sees Maia trail in last, shutting the door behind her. It appears somehow Simon managed to bring one of the only people Alec genuinely feels close to. Everyone else is laughing, talking over each other and crowding Simon as he pulls his alcohol stash from under the bed, but Maia meets Alec’s eyes from across the room and gives him one of her smirks as she maneuvers her way to him and hops up on his desk.

“Hey! What’s up?”

“Uh, literally nothing, I was just procrastinating like usual.”

Maia grins as that.

“Perfect, then you have no reason to not come out with us tonight,”

“You’re going too?” Alec says, turning to look at Clary pour uneven amounts of vodka into various mugs, with Simon following after her pouring in Coke.

“Duh, I was recruited by Simon to make sure you came” She says, and Alec catches the way she looks over at the man and her smiles turns a little more adoring. Alec makes a face, and wonders if it’s worth it to ask.

“Well, actually.” Alec pauses, he’s pretty much made up his mind on wanting to go to the party, he just feels a little uncomfortable with the current group. If it was just him and Maia, it’d be fine, but he barely knows Clary let alone her friends, and the fact the Maia _does_ will only make it harder for him to interact. Maia, as though she can sense Alec beginning to overthink, makes the decision for him, before he can change his mind and decide staying here and wallowing in self-pity is the better option.

“Nope! Here,” she pulls his mug that’s currently holding an assortment of pens and pencils and unceremoniously dumps them all across his desk. Alec doesn’t even have time to be annoyed because promptly she walks away. Alec tries to stop all his pencils from rolling off the desk and is just turning around to glare at her when she shoves the mug back into his hands. She has her own now too, a Star Wars mug Alec knows is Simon’s.

“Drink up, dork” She says with both teasing and affection, and takes a big gulp. Alec looks down at his own mug warily. It’s so loud in here. He can hear Clary and Simon arguing about who has the most embarrassing drunk stories on the other. He feels left over frustration from seeing his mom earlier. He knows drinking isn’t the answer, despite how many college kids think it is. But maybe, he just needs something to let him loosen up. In a moment of determination, he takes a gulp and immediately regrets it. His face scrunches up and Maia barks out a laugh.

“Oh my god! Alec, it’s not that bad!” Alec can’t answer though because it tastes disgusting and as much as he wants to get rid of it, the idea of having to swallow it is repulsive and so he stubbornly holds the liquid in his mouth. Apparently, this is even funnier to Maia.

“Alec, just get it over with! Oh my god, you’re a real baby, just swallow. . . you should be good at that” Alec chooses to ignore her sexual comment, but finally concedes. The burn in his throat as it goes down makes him involuntarily shiver.

“I can’t believe you’re this big muscle-y guy and you can’t even handle coke and vodka.” She says knocking him on the arm.

“That is disgusting, I couldn’t taste the Coke at all, never do that to me again.”

Maia gulps down the rest of her mug, much to Alec’s horror, and gives him a look.

“Oh, just you wait Lightwood, it’s only gonna get worse. After you finish that mug, we’re moving on to straight shots.”

“This is basically a straight shot, I think it only has a splash of Coke, really” Alec spots the coke bottle on Simon’s desk and before Maia can protest, he goes over and grabs it. He fills the mug up the rest of the way with coke, and then takes another hesitant sip. It still tastes mildly like rubbing alcohol but it’s much more manageable. Maia shakes her head at him as he drinks. They’re still off in the corner by Alec’s desk, the rest of the group has congregated by Simon’s bed. One girl that Alec doesn’t know already looks tipsy, hanging on Simon’s arm and giggling at everything he says. Maia watches and Alec can see her face shift into annoyance. When she looks back at him, he rolls his eyes in obvious indication of the scene and she smiles and gives a shake of her head in return. He’ll always be glad he found Maia. While she’s much better at social situations, they’ve always shared a mutual understanding in how annoying people can be.

“Okay, okay. We need to start heading out now,” Clary says standing up and looking like she’s trying to hard to seem sober.

“No, no, no Alec hasn’t had enough yet!” Maia exclaims and grabs the handle of vodka. Alec protests but she still manages to pour at least two shots worth into his mug.

Alec feels like that’ll make him gag, but everyone around him has turned to him and gives their remarks of encouragement. There’s nothing like alcohol to bring strangers together, he thinks. He glances down at his mug and with the sounds of people cheering him on, downs as much of the mug as he can. It ends up taking three tries because it’s still _disgusting_ but when he finishes, he feels it dampening of all his thoughts. With both the buzz of the alcohol and the ego boost of cheers thrumming through his veins, he follows everyone out of the room, Maia linking arms with him and laughing at something Clary says.

* * *

“I hate arriving to party’s early they’re so boring”

“Well you could help. . Just a crazy idea”

“Nahhh, I’d rather not,” Magnus says and pulls one of the jello shots off the tray Ragnor is holding and moves to sit.

“Don’t worry about it Ragnor, everything will be fine, people are just going to come and drink they won’t remember how the patio looks.”

“I’m not worried about that, I’m just worried about how many people are coming.”

Magnus looking around, there’s about twenty to twenty-five people here currently and given that the party is supposed to start in five minutes, it is a surprising number of people to start with. Even if they’re all being exceedingly boring in Magnus’ opinion. No one’s even dancing.

“Well, they’ll probably come and go, but if it really gets worse, I can go get some more drinks for us.” Cat says resting her hand of Ragnor’s shoulder. Ragnor, however, doesn’t look like he wants to admit everything will be okay.

“Well, I just hope we manage to get everyone to pay.” He turns to scowl at Magnus  
“Did _you_ pay?”

Magnus grins back at him, unfazed.

“Of course, obviously I paid, I’m _totally_ reliable like that.” He says licking out the sides of his jello shot in an obscene way.

“Magnus . . .”

“Relax Ragnor,” Magnus says jumping up and moving to get another shot, “I just didn’t have any cash, I’ll pay you next time I see you, okay?” Ragnor grumbles under his breath but lets it go. Magnus really doesn’t know why Ragnor agreed to host the party because it’s truly everything he hates. . .except maybe the drinks. His apartment complex does have a lovely patio for it though, and Ragnor will do just about anything if it means furthering his agenda with the environmental club.

The next thirty minutes are filled with people trickling in, usually in groups, and soon there’s probably close to forty people, some have overflowed into the entryway to the building, and some are hanging down by the street. It’s a decent party, but it still feels boring to Magnus, though being surrounded by noise and commotion is somewhat comforting to him. He’s sitting with Cat who currently is in charge of pouring drinks. He hasn’t gotten himself to get up and leave her side yet. He mostly wants to dance, that’s what he enjoys most about parties, but unfortunately the layout of this party doesn’t seem to be suited to that. There are a few people dancing to the music, but they all seem pretty wasted. Mostly, people are pocketed in groups, laughing and partaking in the small talk that Magnus loathes. His mood perks up as he sees Raphael walk over to them, looking like he’d rather be anywhere else. Sometimes Magnus wonders how he ended up with such grumpy friends, but at least he has Cat and all her wholesomeness. 

“Raphael! I see you couldn’t resist the pull of the party!” Raphael doesn’t even humor Magnus with a response, he just turns to Cat.

“I can take over with serving drinks for you.”

“Oh come on, Rahpa, dance with me!” Magnus says and grabs the hands Raphael has stiffly set at his sides, trying to coax him into some kind of movement. He tries to force Raphael to twirl him under his arms but Raphael is dead weight and Magnus ends up knocking his head against Raphael’s elbow before he can make it in a full circle. Magnus huffs in disappointment.

“You’re no fun!”

Cat laughs from behind them, and steps in to grab Magnus’ hands from Raphael.

“Thanks Raphael, let me know if you need any help.”

Raphael gives a nod and then goes straight into pouring shots for a loud group that just came over.

“Yay! Cat you’ll dance with me!” He drags her over closer to the speakers.

* * *

The walk to the party was fairly short, but it was long enough that Alec doesn’t feel the same buzz he felt when he left the dorm. Simon, evidently, is still feeling it, incoherently rambling on about one of his professors.

“Simon! No school talk!” Maia wraps her arm around him and gives him a small shake. Simon nods in agreement and starts swaying in place to the music that’s playing.

“Yes, you’re right.” Simon saying growing more enthusiastic. “Fuck school!” He cheers and then Maia and him are moving into and through crowds of people, leaving Alec hanging back by the edge of the patio. Alec wants to follow them, but over the last hour it’s become clear to him that _something_ seems to be going on with Simon and Maia and he’d rather not feel like he’s intruding. Especially because Maia hasn’t been interested in anyone since Alec’s known her, at least not _seriously_. Instead, trying not to feel abandoned, Alec spots the makeshift bar, which is really just a fold-out table, and makes his way over.

“Can I get, um, a drink?” Alec says, to the guy that’s pouring out drinks.

“What do you want?” Alec doesn’t even know what they have, he didn’t really think about that.

“Um, just like a mixed. . .” Alec starts but before he can finish, the man pushes a cup in front of him.

“Jungle Juice. If you want another bring back the same cup, save the environment.” He says monotone-ly but with enough conviction, Alec knows he’ll be following that order.

With one activity down Alec walks away and takes a sip of the drink. It’s gross just like the one he had before but, it goes down easier, with a much sweeter taste.

He really has no idea what to do. He pulls out his phone, pressing the home button and swiping through his different screens. He clicks on Instagram, but upon seeing the pop-up that he has to turn on his cellular data, he closes it back. He stares at his home screen, which is a picture of him and Izzy. It makes his heart ache a little, because he really doesn’t see her that much anymore. He wonders what she’s doing tonight. Probably, something similar, except she’s no doubt actually _partying_ and not just hanging off to the side being uncomfortable. He sighs and puts his phone away. _What are you even supposed to do at parties_? he thinks. He surveys the people around him, nursing his drink. He tries to convince himself that people watching is interesting and that he’s not completely miserable.

“Hey, you’re in my Anthro 46 class!” Alec turns to see a girl standing uncomfortably close to him. He doesn’t really know what to say, and honestly, he doesn’t _want_ to say anything. Her eyes are bright and her face is flushed, it’s pretty obvious she’s not sober.

“With Professor Wilkins, uggh that class is so horrible, right? But you seem good at it.” She says sipping her drink. It’s uncoordinated though and part of it drips down her chin. Alec laughs nervously and moves back a little as sigh leans in toward him.

“Oh, yeah”

“Like, I’m a pysch major and I _love_ learning about how people think, cause it’s so interesting but that class. . .” It doesn’t take much effort for Alec to zone out what she’s saying, it’s not very coherent in the first place. He also doesn’t agree, he actual likes the class she’s talking about. Cultural Anthropology is interesting to him and the class has been his favorite of the semester so far. His attention comes back though when she places her hand on his arm and rubs it with her thumb. Alec looks down and her hand and then back at her, she’s smiling brightly at him and all the sudden Alec realizes what this is. He feels a sudden panic well up in him because he doesn’t know how to politely get out of this, but he definitely can’t let it go on any longer. She obviously is trying to . . _something, _Alec doesn’t know if she’s just flirting or actually wants something, but he can’t even let his brain go that direction or he’ll probably end up yelling at her that he’s gay and run away.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I just saw someone I need to. . .talk to.” He manages, and then scrambles away ungracefully. He doesn’t actually know where to go because he doesn’t see Maia, Simon, or even Clary, but he’s worried that the girl is going to see that he’s not actually talking to anyone, so he finds his way back to the bar and its stoic bartender.

“Hey! How’s it going?” Alec cringes as soon as he said it, and the guy serving drinks gives him a patronizing look and doesn’t answer. He holds out his hand for Alec’s cup and Alec hands it over. Alec grimaces as the guy hands him back his cup and proceeds to move on without a second glance. Alec thinks he might see him scoff but it could also just be Alec projecting on how much of an idiot he feels like right now.

He mumbles a thanks and leaves again. This time he goes to the other side of the patio, and feels relieved when he sees Simon’s waving arms. They’re all hanging out by some benches, some people sitting on the floor, and Alec makes his way over.

He receives various greetings from them, but then they’re back to whatever they were talking about beforehand. Alec continues to drink as he looks around some more. It still feels underwhelming, being here. But knowing that he’s with other people, and at least doesn’t look like a loner, is enough comfort for Alec to relax for a bit. As his finishes his drink, he starts to get that fogginess in his head again. He’s not really drunk, but he feels more calm, not paying attention to what the others are talking about. This night really hasn’t been like he thought. But it does seem to get more bearable, the more he drinks. He’s thinking of getting another and downs the rest of his current one. He turns to walk back to the bar but he stops in his tracks. He almost chokes on his drink as he finishes swallowing it. Over by the table, Magnus from his lab class is standing by the person who’d been serving drinks all night. Alec gets caught up watching as he throws his head back in laughter, talking with the man. Magnus is wearing some kind of dark blue, silk, short-sleeved button down, and Alec tries not to let himself get carried away seeing the way his biceps flex when he lifts one of the handles of vodka. The alcohol may not be making him visibly drunk, but his mind does not have the same control it usually does, and Alec really needs to look away because he doesn’t need to start having inappropriate thoughts about his lab partner. He’s just coming to the realization that this is the party Magnus invited him to, when Magnus looks over and meets Alec’s eyes. Alec feels that familiar jolt run through his body. Magnus' smile is bright and though Alec isn't realy sure why, it makes his heart ache. Alec doesn’t know if he’s supposed to go over and say something but it’s pretty obvious he was looking at Magnus and he guesses the best way to play it off is to actually talk to him. As he makes his way over Magnus waves at him in hello, and turns to give him his full attention. 

Maybe this night won’t be so boring after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @malecmonday on twitter


End file.
